When you're a little boy and your world is upside down because you're struggling to take care of a mother that believes you to be your dead sister and heaps the praises you've worked hard for onto her rather than who you truly are, it's easy to lose will to continue. It's easy to come to the conclusion that nothing you do matters, or will ever matter, and all those things everyone else does? That stuff doesn't really matter, either. It was a source of heaviness on his mind for years as he tried to fight against the reality that came with his belief, pushing himself to be better and losing more of himself each and every time, but eventually he took comfort in it. While he still tried to do his best and was influenced by perfectionism, his self-punishing tendencies remained steady instead of worsening, and even decreased at times, and he allowed himself times of calm. Nothing he did would cause an impact on the universe, so he didn't have to worry himself to death over it, and all that mattered was his little interactions with those he cared about. He could devote energy to loving those he loved and getting by through the rest of it. In death, while he was a god of the world he created, he could have taken that as the opportunity to prove Nietzsche wrong -- god wasn't dead, he was right here! But rather than exert his will over his creations, Charles decided to sit back and let life play out as it would, without overall impact.
More often than not, the reason for a person being judgmental stems from insecurity, and Charles is no exception. Since he spends so much energy being hypercritical of himself, it's no surprise that he turns that same eye to others and their actions. He has a need for things to be just so -- perfect -- and while he doesn't expect others to meet that expectation as well, he finds it disappointing when they don't. He's disappointed by the life around him, because even if he finds the chaotic concept beautiful in theory, in reality it's messy. And he can't...deal with mess. He's so heavily mysophobic that he can be found wearing gloves more often than not, and he'll stick to solid blacks and whites instead of something that will be more ambiguous. Coupled with his presumed schizophrenia, the disgust and panic he feels for germs and the unclean leads to hallucinations of rotting, leeching masses where faces should be. Seeing people as parasites is telling of the constant undercurrent he has of believing that the world has very few Givers and is made up instead of Takers -- these people, these distorted versions of those around him, embody their wicked nature and turn it into something visual to occupy his disgust. People are bad. People are parasites. Parasites are disgusting. People are disgusting. But he still tries to push past that and give everything he's got, because he believes in moving on by putting your best foot forward. Just...hopefully a foot that won't step in someone else's garbage or end up in his mouth.
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Date: 2018-09-28 04:40 pm (UTC)More often than not, the reason for a person being judgmental stems from insecurity, and Charles is no exception. Since he spends so much energy being hypercritical of himself, it's no surprise that he turns that same eye to others and their actions. He has a need for things to be just so -- perfect -- and while he doesn't expect others to meet that expectation as well, he finds it disappointing when they don't. He's disappointed by the life around him, because even if he finds the chaotic concept beautiful in theory, in reality it's messy. And he can't...deal with mess. He's so heavily mysophobic that he can be found wearing gloves more often than not, and he'll stick to solid blacks and whites instead of something that will be more ambiguous. Coupled with his presumed schizophrenia, the disgust and panic he feels for germs and the unclean leads to hallucinations of rotting, leeching masses where faces should be. Seeing people as parasites is telling of the constant undercurrent he has of believing that the world has very few Givers and is made up instead of Takers -- these people, these distorted versions of those around him, embody their wicked nature and turn it into something visual to occupy his disgust. People are bad. People are parasites. Parasites are disgusting. People are disgusting. But he still tries to push past that and give everything he's got, because he believes in moving on by putting your best foot forward. Just...hopefully a foot that won't step in someone else's garbage or end up in his mouth.